The last eight months have been a transformation for me.
What started off as a get healthy, lose weight, get fit personal challenge has morphed into a bit of a re-birth.
The re-birth hasn’t stopped at physical health, which is coming along nicely thank you very much. My outlook has changed on so many levels that I almost don’t recognise myself anymore.
I’m often amazed when I’m in a position to consider something that I’m arriving at totally different view points to those which I’ve held for years and I’m loving the new view points too. They’re much gentler, though they don’t belong to a tree-hugging pushover either. They just come from a place of kindness, gentleness and practicality.
There’s not much room for drama either……. I’ve become quite allergic to drama. I avoid toxicity too. It’s ok to not like someone, or to disagree with them, but I’ve got much less room for nasty talk. I don’t feel good around it anymore.
Though I will admit that I’m still a chronic mimic. I’ve spent my whole life mimicking as a form of ridicule and it’s probably the one habit that I need to work on breaking, but closely connected to that habit, is the undeniable drive to want to make people laugh. To entertain. I just need to work on not using people as my material.
I’m living a much slower, more intentional life and I’m so enjoying the benefits. I’m less concerned with social media connections and more concerned with real connections. Face to face, or at least voice to voice.
I’m enjoying watching my grandson discover new experiences through my eyes, rather than through the lense of an iPhone, and really being present with him. That’s not to say that I don’t snap off a burst of cute pics, but I’m making conscious efforts to put the camera or phone away and just be with him when I get the chance. I’m comfortable in the knowledge that while I might forget the moment eventually (because I’ve got the worst memory), no amount of photo taking will ever bring me the joy that the last 5 minutes with him just gave me. So I’ll take my 5 minutes of joy and interaction and just bask in it and the smile that it brings to me.
I’ve become more grounded. I mean that in a literal sense. Spending so much time with my hands and feet in the dirt. Cultivating. Growing food and shade and beautiful scents and stunning blooms and prickly cacti too! I can wander into my garden and be frustrated with whatever bit of shit life’s just dished up to me, but let me tell you, it’s really hard to stay angry when you’re working in a garden. It just goes, like magic and before too long, I can’t even remember why I was angry, or better still, without even knowing I was looking for a solution to a problem, it manifests itself to me and I’m right with the universe again. This never fails to happen. On days where there’s nothing obviously wrong and I don’t need healing, I get in the garden anyway and when I’m done I feel strong, powerful, useful, happy or I’m just beaming with a smile that lights up my side of the street. If you’ve got a garden, get out amongst it. If you hire a gardener, sack them and do the work yourself, or become their apprentice. If you don’t have a garden, gown a pot plant, or grow a herb or vegetable in a pot on your balcony or window sill. I guarantee you’ll smile.
But most of all of late, I’ve enjoyed a real sense of calm in how I deal with life’s challenges now, compared to before. I put that calm down to meditation, which I thought I was totally shit at, but it turns out that the benefits kind of creep up on you when you’re not looking. I’ve been trying to mediate regularly for the past 2-3 months. Each time I try I think, I’m so crap at this….it’s not working. But a little while ago I noticed that I was having these totally alien reactions to situations that previously would have had me F-ing & C-ing and putting myself into foul moods that I’d then take out on those around me….and now I find myself being all Zen Earth-Motherish in my reactions. Sometimes I just laugh at myself and say “who are you & when did you move in?” But it’s all good. I like me. I can live with this latest incarnation.
So, if you’re reading this for the first time, you probably think you’ve come across the blog on a raving lunatic, but it’s all good… I’m really quite normal, bordering on boring most days. I don’t normally jabber on about myself to this extent, but I really felt the need tonight to just document all the changes that I’ve been racking up in my head of late. Might be good to go back over this post in years to come, when I’ve reverted back to my crazy stress head self and remember a time when I was consumed with calm.